Blue Lamp Glow
by cagd
Summary: Finn, Jake, and Marcelline explore a cave on the edge of the Candy Kingdom for Princess Bubblegun. They find a surprise from before the Mushroom wars. This is the first time my teenage daughter has ever collaborated directly with me in writing a fic, so have fun!
1. Chapter 1

"One of the caves on the Candy Kingdom border is infested with something unauthorized. I want you to find it and destroy it. I don't want my citizens harmed." Bubblegum said over the communicator that Jake the dog had just answered.

"Okay" said Finn. He put down the stalk of bananas on the front steps of the tree house he shared with Jake and BMO, a small computer thing with legs.

"I guess we can take a break from playing Butter Tag, Princess B. What are we supposed to find?" asked Jake, an anthropomorphic dog, who was at the moment smeared in butter from head to foot.

"Probably some sort of demon." said Marceline the vampire queen who was refereeing, from under her parasol where she was also floating upside while eating erasers from a small paper bag, "I smelled it last week when I was looking for pixies to stomp. It was a little weird, even for a demon."

An hour of riding Jake stretch-walking later, they arrived at the cave. The drained bodies of mice and rats lay strewn about the entrance. "Ewww, gross!" Jake said when he accidentally stepped on one, "That was like stepping on a burrito in the dark on the way to the bathroom!"

"This has _got_ to be a Vamp cave." Marcellene added, "Nobody but a Vamp would leave a mess like this." She bent, picking up a small papery rounded object with one burnt end. "I haven't seen one of these for centuries." She picked up another, and another and another until she reached a small mound of them just inside the entrance. "My dad used to "smoke" these back before the mushroom wars." She looked up and read the rusty metal sign over the opening, "S-ny -da- Muni-pal Park-g Gar-ge." She sniffed, "There's a demon all right, but a weird one." She folded her parasol as she walked into the shadows further in the cave with the other two close behind.

"That was a great game of butter tag, Jake." Finn said as he lit a torch, "Next time, let's use the toaster to launch BMO out the window."

"Nah," said Jake, "That'd be a waste of burritos if you ask me – I say we use pizzas, instead."

"Be quiet!" Marcellene whisper-yelled, "I smell something up ahead!"

"Wow, do you see that blue glow?" Finn loudly whispered back, "What do you think it is?"

"Duh, maybe it's the demon – no, it's an awesome, toast-tastic blue lamp!" Jake added, stretching his body so that he could look around the Vampire Queen and Finn without even having to move his back legs. "So much for the surprise!"

"Surprise." A gaunt face with one of the papery roll things hanging out of the corner of it's mouth rose up behind the elaborate blue light fixture that was standing on a battered end table.


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, as I live and breathe, 'course I don't because I'm DEAD, 'tis th' Queen of the Vampires, 'erself." The face, which turned out to be attached to a tattered black coat encasing a ragged shirt and black pants which held a rail-thin body came around the end table, hands raised, "'Ad I knew you was comin', I'da baked a cake – which I can't because the ovens broken, and the burners only work when they feel like it, which isn't often!"

"Attack!" screamed Finn, pulling out his sword as he ran towards the demon whose face had suddenly sprouted fangs and golden eyes. Jake joined him in his brother's run around the table.

The now appalling-faced demon laughed, dodged, and easily flipped the two brothers one after the other so that they landed in the darkness among piles of junk with loud "Ooooofs!"

Which were followed by three, maybe four bodies struggling around in the darkness, knocking things over.

Along with a lot of pummeling and yelling.

That was when Marceline held the blue lamp over them, so that Finn and Jake realized right away that there were only two bodies in the struggle and that Finn had Jake's butt in a hammerlock, with Jake eating Finn's hat.

The demon they'd come out to eliminate was standing beside her, smoking, hands deep in the pockets of his ragged duster, smirking.

"Yo," said Marceline, "You guys are sooooo lame."

Then she broke the blue lamp over the demon's head.


	3. Chapter 3

"Bloody Hell, my head's effin killin' me!" The demon they'd captured not only smelled terrible, but had an entertaining range of naughty bad words.

It also caught fire when they dragged it out into broad daylight, which was also entertaining.

Still, wanting to show what they'd caught to Princess Bubblegum in more or less one piece, Finn and Jake had Marceline sit on top of the bundle of old extension cords they'd wrapped the demon in, having forgotten to bring rope.

That, and Jake really didn't care to make like rope because that meant he'd have to be really, really close to the demon, which might also be a vampire, well that whole darkness and catching fire in daylight thing, ummm, anyway.

Marceline sat on top of the bundle shading it with her parasol, eating erasers while working out a new bassline with the family axe as their prisoner alternately ranted about stuff nobody understood, and calling them all a "bunch of bloody wankers".

The rant went something like this: "Ooooof, watch out for that tree you idiots, oi, pet, is that the Slayer's axe…. Do you know "Blitzkrieg Bop", because if you hum it, I'll rip your soddin' head off! I'm bored! Where's my cigarettes! Feed me, dammit! Mind that rock, you nearly took me bloody head off! You're all a buncha soddin' wankers!" and most of all, "I hate you all!"

This highly educational lecture by their prisoner was interrupted within sight of the gates of the Candy Kingdom when a bizarre monster that smelled like old paper jumped out of the bushes, screaming, "We are Dewey and Reed Moore – surrender us your prisoner!

"Wellll now, just my luck!" snarled their prisoner.


	4. Chapter 4

"You can't have him," yelled Jake, "We found him first – dibsies!"

"Yeah," Finn chimed in, pulling out his Finn sword, "Dibsies!"

"This is turning out to be a very interesting day - not!" Snarled their disputed prisoner to nobody in particular, "Anybody got a light?"

"We have no quarrel with you, only with the creature the girl is using for a chair. Step aside!" the creature said out of one side of its conjoined bodies as it stepped forward on what looked more like hands than feet. "If you do not hand it over, we will be forced to confiscate it from you in the name of the Alameda County Library System!"

"What the what?" said Marcelline around a mouthful of erasers. The vampire queen swallowed, slinging her family's axe around to her back by its strap, leaving her hands, no, talons, free.

"You and what army?" Demanded Finn in a puberty tortured voice.

"This one!" Both heads said.

That was when they noticed that they were surrounded by an entire army that appeared to be made entirely out of old paper and glue. "Prepare to die the death of a thousand paper cuts!"

"Aw shit." Mumbled their prisoner from his cocoon of old extension cords.


	5. Chapter 5

Sometimes the best part of valor is knowing when to run for your life.

This was one of those times.

"Run away!" screamed Jake.

"Oh, math!" screamed Finn as he followed Jake, a handful of extension cords bundled over one shoulder so that their prisoner now bumped and banged and swore his way across the sticky, lumpy ground that was the outskirts of the Candy Kingdom.

Marceline paused and hissed at the rapidly approaching paper warriors with her unexpectedly forked tongue even as she somehow to keep her balance and her parasol over both her and their prisoner while making an ancient gesture of defiance using only the middle finger of her free hand in the general direction of their enemies as the Princess B's two top warriors and a Vampire Queen raced through the main gates of Princess Bubblegum's kingdom.

Jake made it through.

Finn made it through.

Their prisoner didn't make it through. Come to think of it, neither did Marceline

Instead, he hit an invisible barrier, stopping Jake and Finn dead in their tracks while knocking Marceline and her sheltering parasol to the ground. "Yow!" yelled Marcelline, breaking out in hives when sunlight hit her skin as she scrambled for her porta shade, which was now blowing away.

"Help! A little shade here, will you?" yelled their prisoner as he burst into flames.

Which smelled like the Breakfast Kingdom in the morning.

The burning extension cords smelled like the Ice King's socks, which ruined the smell of cooking bacon for everyone, had they been paying attention.

Marceline caught the parasol before it went into a nearby caramel lake and held it over both of them as she beat the flames out with her axe while both Finn and Jake tried to pull their prisoner through the invisible barrier at the gates of the Candy Kingdom.

"Ow! Hey! Watch it! I'm really beginning to hate you people!" Their prisoner yelled as the first rank of the paper army charged towards them them, only to stand back in chagrin at the flames.

They were mindless minions ready to sacrifice themselves for their masters, but they weren't stupid.

"What the bleeb-blob is going on out here?" Hollered Princess Bubblegum who had arrived unnoticed with a squad of Banana guards, "We've got an invading army situation here, get in already!"

Finn and Jake fell to the ground when the flaming mass of prisoner, extension cords, family axe, and Marcelline suddenly fell through the unexpected invisible barrier to land in a big smoking heap at Princess B's feet.


	6. Chapter 6

Flames out and Marceline back in place, Finn dragged their complaining, somewhat extra crispy prisoner towards the front doors of Princess Bubblegum's palace as squads of unruly Banana guards ran past them in a mass of detonated banana stuff towards the main city gate as the paper army on the outside marched back and forth screaming their battle cry which sounded an awful lot like, "Shhhh!"

"This is weird, we've got an invading army and the Bubblegum Guardians aren't waking up. All they did was open one eye and go back to sleep!" Cried PB as she led them through the open portals, "This is serious!"

"Um, guys, what's the holdup?" she added.

The problem from the city gates was back.

Jake got in.

Finn came in.

Marceline floated in, parasol and all.

Their prisoner was banging off of the same invisible whatever it was, swearing. A lot.

It was also smoking again.

Marceline drifted closer, so that her portable shade covered the smoking, cussing mass, "Ummmm, PeeBee? I think we have ourselves an old school problem here."

"Whatever made you thickies guess?" snarled their prisoner, "Was it the bursting into flames in daylight? Or was it the bursting into flames in daylight? How about the all "grrrr, snarl!" thing back in my lair – puh-leeeeeeeze!"

"Old school?"

"Just invite him in, I'll explain later. Whoah, I thought your crowd was extinct!" Marcelline popped an eraser into her mouth, fangs thoughtfully shredding it as she studied what she was standing on as it snarled back at her.

"I don't under…" Princess Bubblegum wavered, looking down the street at the shuddering gates which the paper army was now trying to break down on the outside while the Banana Guards milled around exploding in excitement waiting for her orders.

"Gosh, PeeBee, just say it, invite it in – we'll deal later!" Marceline shook her head in exasperation, "Just say, 'Come in.' and then we'll deal!"

"Ummmm, come in?"

Finn fell over backwards from where he'd been trying to force the prisoner through the invisible whatsits when the entire nasty package suddenly surged forward, landing on him.

"I thought you'd never ask." Snarked the bundle, "Now, anybody got a tarp? Or a basement? This isn't funny any more."


	7. Chapter 7

"So you three brought me a rude and smelly bundle AND a war with some weirdos I've never heard of, all at the same time?" Screamed Princess Bubblegum in a rising crescendo, "I told you to go and eliminate it, not bring it home!"

"Wait, wait, I was supposed to DIE?" said the bundle that had now been placed in the royal throne room and out of direct sunlight, "And by the way, I'm not an "it", I'm a "he" – and if you don't believe me, let me out of this mess and I'll drop trou…"

"Oh, shut up!" The one and only ruler of the Candy Kingdom booted the bundle, which grunted in annoyance, "Nobody wants to see that, especially during a national emergency!"

"Well, duh, and while we're at it, I have a name, you know!"

"Nobody is interested in that right now. Who are those guys outside my gates and why are they here?"

"Yo, PB!" hollered Jake around a perfect sandwich that he'd stored somewhere on his body, "They're paper, why don't Finn and me just take a match to 'em? Dad always encouraged us to play with matches, any chance we got, with Mom supplying the matches!"

"The name's Spike, William the Bloody, in case anybody's interested." The charred mass of extension cords that Marceline was sitting on because it was more entertaining than sitting on Princess Bubblegum's throne mumbled to nobody in particular, "NOT that any of you wankers _are_ … bloody Hell, are you eating pencil erasers?"

"Yeah," mumbled the Vampire Queen around her mouthful of shredded pink rubber while holding one out, "Want one?"

"What I want, your effin' Higness of the Fangs, is the Hell out of here before my enemy at your gates comes in here and…"

Everyone turned around and stared at, um… Spike.

"Whose enemy?" PB frowned and bent down to glare one of her two problems of the day in the eye, which was blue, not the usual India ink black dot common in Ooo these days.

"Mine." The prisoner, now identified as "Spike" and "male", exact species as yet to be determined but suspected to be some sort of vampire due to extreme flammability, gave an odd laugh. "Been after me for over a thousand years. Not sure why, though." Again, that laugh, "Never stuck around long enough to ask – so if you'll just untie me, I'll be on me merry way."


	8. Chapter 8

The prisoner, now untangled and stretching, looked like he'd had an ugly fight with a burning weed-whacker - and lost, _horribly_.

Which he sort of had, if you count being beaten with a family axe while on fire.

He was also weirder-looking than anticipated: blue eyes with white bits in them weren't the only thing wrong with him: he also had five fingers on each hand.

And was very, very tall.

Well, taller than Princess B, anyway.

"Dude! You're OLD." Marceline put away her erasers and grabbed one of his bizarre hands, "Like, FIVE-FINGER old." She grabbed the other, counting, "Like, ICE-KING old!"

"That looney?" Spike, or William, or whatever he called himself, "Met 'im once. Didn't end well!"

"I don't like his eyes, too many colors!" grumbled Jake from a safe distance.

"I don't like yours, either, mutt!" the prisoner snarled as he shook Marceline off, "Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been!"

"Guys! Guys! Focus!" PB interrupted, "We've got enemies at the gates and you're worried about five fingers?"

"Five fingers wouldn't be a problem if you let me go!" Spike adjusted his long black ragged coat over his head and tried to leave only to start smoking again because the throne room was one big mass of windows. "Bloody Hell!"

He was now surrounded by a ring of excited Banana Guards on the verge of messily exploding.

"Over here, focus, people!" PB rolled her eyes and pointed out the front doorway of her throne room, "Enemies. Lots of. Danger. Yadda yadda yadda! We'll deal with him later even if these are HIS enemies – just chain him to a large, heavy object…"

"Me, chain him to me! Oh, my Glob, he's gorgeous!" Lumpy Space Princess rose up from behind Bubblegum's throne , covered in food. "C'mere baby, let me lay my lumps on you!"

"Hell no!" screamed the prisoner, "Why not just strip me naked and toss me out into the courtyard?"

"Blapppppppp!" went one of the Banana Guards in a wet explosion of, well, banana moosh.

"And I don't want any of that, either!"

"Enemies at the gate, people!" PB facepalmed, "Enemies at the gate!"

"You can't handles these lumps!"

They ended up chaining their prisoner to the royal throne while LSP fled, a vat of Nutella under one arm, swearing eternal vengeance upon everybody involved, as usual, because they just couldn't handle the lumps.


	9. Chapter 9

In the long silence where they gathered at the front gate, there came a knock.

"We know he's in there. Send him out and nobody gets hurt."

Another knock.

"We can hear you breathing in there."

Another knock.

"Awwwww, c'mon, all we wanna do is serve a subpoena!" There was the sound of muttering between two people, "All right, we'll slide it under the door!"

A big thick brown envelope slid under the gate. Jake poked it with a stick.

It did not bite, explode, or even get up and dance the can-can.

Not even a little.

It just sat there, ominously.

Finn picked it up, "What's a subpoena? Do you eat it? Can you wear it?" He squinted at the messy writing on the front, lips moving as he tried to read it.

Princess Bubblegum took it away from him, "A subpoena is serious business. If you get one of these, you're in big trouble. You have to go to the Food Court and get the book thrown at you." Her eyes narrowed when she pulled a piece of paper out of the envelope and read it. "Who's William… Summers? I don't remember naming any of my candy people something _that_ weird!"

"Ummmmm," said their prisoner who had joined them in a rattle of chains, throne held over his head to protect him from the sun, "That might be me."

"So what the bleep-blop did you do that would be enough to bring an invading army into my kingdom?" PB waved her arms around in frustration, "You know what? I'm thinking of bringing you up on charges myself – I don't know what for, but I am! And when they're done throwing the book at you, you'll be _chipped_!"

"Oh bloody Hell, not that again!"


	10. Chapter 10

"Odor in the court! Odor in the court!" Princess Bubblegum rapped her gavel on the judge's stand.

"Sorry!" yelled Raggedy Princess, "Somebody used me to clean up after their cat on the way here."

"Order! Order in the court!" continued Princess Bubblegum, "All rise! As the only competent Princess in the Land of Ooo, I am here today in the Food Court to preside over the criminal trial of one William the Bloody, aka, William, aka Spike, aka William Summers, and aka That Guy vs. the descendant's of the Alameda County California Library System, Sunnydale Branch, and the Principality of the Candy Kingdom."

"Hey, is that the best you wankers can come up with? I worked really hard to earn my bad reputat… and you call me "That Guy?" The defendant complained from his cage of sunlight. Abruptly he sat down on the floor of the cage in a crosslegged sprawl, back to everyone.

"Be quiet." Princess Bubblegum banged her gavel again before pointing, "And not to bias anyone, the defendant, That Guy, is a vampire."

"I HAVE A BLOODY NAME… oi, do these people ever listen? Noooooooo!" The defendant pulled his duster over his head, mumbling, "Anyway, are these people even people? Look like a bag a' crisps and stale Halloween candy gone off to me!"

Bang! "Please be seated!"

Blap! went a Banana Guard, "Bailiff Peppermint Butler, clean that up – but first, call forth the first witness!"

"First witness, Marceline, the Vampire Queen." Peppermint Butler said as he mopped up the detonated Banana Guard.

"Yo, PB dude!" Marceline took the witness stand, propping her feet up on the railing.

"I'm so screwed." Came a muffled voice from the cage of sunlight.

"Do you swear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Glob?" Setting aside his mop, Peppermint Butler held out a battered heart-shaped chocolate box.

"Yeah, whatever." Marcelene high-foured the box. "Whaddya wanna know, Peebles?"

"Yep, definitely screwed!"


	11. Chapter 11

Marceline's testimony went as follows:

"So, why the bleep blop did you bring This Guy ("Hey, I have a name, you know!") back to the Candy Kingdom when I CLEARLY told you to eliminate it?"

"Dude! it was interesting. _Old school._ " Marceline plunked the E string of her axe, frowned, tightened it, and then began to lay down a baseline, "Yo, Peebs, listen up, I just figured this one out! Anyway, thought you'd like to see it, like all that science and junk!"

("I'm a HE!")

"But it was trespassing! And smoking… and littering without a permit!"

("Forget it! Just forget it!")

At this last dreadful crime, the entire Food Court audience including the jury, gasped.

"Yeah. Won't be the first time, won't be the last!" That Guy dug a handful of random pieces of paper out of the pockets of his long black coat and tossed them randomly onto the floor beneath the cage of sunlight – "Whatcha gonna do about it, mate? Sue me?"

A candy corn fainted and had to be carried out of the room on a stretcher.

"Order! Order!" Princess B banged her gavel.

Marceline spent the next 30 minutes playing the new baseline on her axe.

The next witness was the Ice King, probably because he just happened to sit down in the witness stand babbling about sardines.

He promptly fell asleep with his dirty blue bare feet on the railing before being forcefully ejected out the window, followed by the Gunther du Jour, who went of his/hers/its own accord accompanied by a rude gesture, which is pretty impressive considering that penguins don't have middle fingers.

The Rat King was next. Nobody understood a word he squeaked, but he waved his paws around a lot, finally pointing at the cage of sunlight and its occupant with a final angry squeal.

The Rat King and his followers also gnawed on the wiring under the courtroom floor, but that's a different story, one which ended with a fire truck, a lot of hoses, and five pounds of sentient Brussels sprouts two weeks later.

The Mouse Princess followed, with a similar testimony, only some of her followers opted to die behind the courtroom radiator.

The ensuing stench took a week to track down and still lingers to this day whenever it rains. Or it would have, had the Rat King and his followers not caused the courthouse to burn to the ground.

Tree Trunks blushed, giggled, offered the defendant a pie, and then excused herself, as she had no idea what anybody was talking about. Plus, she really did have something in the oven and Sweet Pea was too little to be around the stove.

Giggle.

Blush.

The preliminary hearing out of the way, it was time to get serious and call up the complainants.


	12. Chapter 12

After a brief recess where everybody but the defendant went outside for fifteen minutes and played on the judiciary playground, the complainant called in its own witnesses.

First up were Dewey and Reed Moore, co-joined twin…ummmmm… _things_. Once in the witness stand, each were sworn in separately, with one or the other wearing a bag over his-her-it's head depending on whom was being questioned to keep things unbiased and/or confidential.

If this really worked, keeping things confidential through utilization of a bag in an alternating pattern of cranial concealment, the record of this trial doesn't state.

Anyway, the bag was pink.

The color of the bag is being mentioned for no particular reason except that the authors thought you might want to know. If you don't want to know the color of the bag on either Dewey or Reed Moore's heads depending upon which one is giving testimony, skip over this part.

Meanwhile, the defendant had taken off his boots and was examining his socks.

Which had worn out at the toes, revealing the shocking fact that he had not four toes on each foot, but five.

They were black. The socks. Not the feet.

Though the feet could have used a wash, truth be told.

Also, the revelation of ten rather than eight toes caused quite a stir, and the same candy corn, whom had fainted at the blatant crime of littering, had to be removed from the courtroom upon the same stretcher as utilized earlier when the defendant pulled out an ancient pair of toenail clippers that had somehow escaped the initial pat-down the Banana Guards had given him prior to incarceration, and began clipping his toenails.

All ten of them.

If any of these _other_ facts doesn't interest you, our readers, either, we suggest that you re-read the fifth paragraph, which advises you to skip this section.

Anyway, the crime of the defendant was a simple one: in addition to trespassing, littering, smoking without a permit, rat harassment, and willful and deliberate non-payment of the national gall-bladder tax, he had, at one point, before the Mushroom Wars, removed twelve little girls from their Sunnydale branch facility.

The Alameda County Library's branch facility. Not the twelve little girl's facility.

This vicious crime was blatantly committed after the defendant, That Guy, gave a signed promise stating that he would return them within a period of three standard weeks, each consisting of three units of seven consecutive days (aka: weeks) for a total of twenty-one days or face a considerable financial penalty upon either late or non-return.

Dewey and Reed Moore were very firm about that. Generations of Branch facility agents had been pursuing the defendant, starting with the original address of the defendant as submitted by the defendant upon the day/night the original promise was issued and signed.

And they had the paperwork to prove it.

In fact, the next witness would be quite willing to display Exhibits A-Z, which happened to be the paperwork.

Yawning, Princess Bubblegum put down the microscope slide she was preparing during Dewey and Reed Moore's double testimony, "Call forth the next witness. Cinnamon Bun, widen the door so the next witness can even get in the courtroom. And this time, use an axe, not the flamethrower!"


	13. Chapter 13

The complainant's second witness was the Head Librarian.

The Head Librarian was extremely large.

The Head Librarian was extremely slow.

Above all, the Head Librarian was extremely _old_.

Wow! (Was it old!)

It took it half an hour to ponderously creak its way from the back of the courtroom to the witness stand in its ancient, rusty cart, as pushed by a small army of paper warriors, who did it in shifts, stopping twice to oil the crumbling little wheels at the bottom of the cart, which in addition to being full of Head Librarian, was also loaded down with Exhibits A-Z.

That Guy sat cross-legged on the bottom of the cage of sunlight staring open-mouthed along with everyone else in the room. Obviously, he too, had never seen anything like the Head Librarian, ancient rusty cart or not.

Eventually the Head Librarian's assistants came to a ponderous halt beside the witness stand in a long, groaning creak of ancient steel and rubber.

Everyone put away their Parcheesi boards and Uno cards and prepared to listen to the complainant's star witness. Peppermint Butler approached the large and ancient egg that was the Head Librarian with the sacred empty heart-shaped chocolate box to swear him? Her? It? In.

After clearing his throat His venerable mintiness began, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Glob?"

This was followed by a long silence, obviously the Head Librarian was in no mood to tell the truth, not even a portion of the truth, even if it was whole. As for Glob, he didn't seem particularly interested in helping, either.

"Ahem! Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Glob?"

All the Peppermint Bailiff got this time was a long, loud asthmatic snore.

"AHEM! Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Glob?"

Snore.

At this point, the Peppermint Bailiff was all but dancing in rage, waving the sacred chocolate box around his head like a sword, screaming, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Glob?"

Snore.

"Yo, Bailiff," Hollered Finn, who was wearing a tie shaped like a fish for the occasion, "That's like the back of his head you're hollering at!"

"Yeah, have this dude's paper minion ninja guys turn the cart around!" Added Jake around a mouthful of nachos. His tie had a hula-dog on it.

That Guy was laughing really, really hard at this point.

Judge Bubblegum just looked annoyed.

The paper minions rotated the cart so that the egg-shaped Head Librarian now had a tiny face near the bottom of the egg shape that was his/her/it's head, tiny gold glasses, a fringe of white hair around the edges, topped by large, metal and rubber antlers.

It cleared its throat, antlers flapping like somebody trying to rubber-stamp something. In fact, when you looked closer at them, they WERE rubber stamps.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhh." Was all it said.


	14. Chapter 14

Aside from "Shhhhhhhhh!" the Head Librarian's voice was thin, quavery, and very, very hard to hear, so Dewey and Reed Moore were appointed by the court, Princes Bubblegum, to relay his testimony.

In chorus, as neither Dewy nor Reed wanted give up the honor of relaying the words of their clan's venerable leader.

Problem is, they seemed to think that relaying the Head Librarian's words was a race between the two of them.

Therefore, Exhibits A-C sounded like a cross between a catfight and a very, very inept orchestra consisting mainly of kazoos and one out-of-tune banjo who just happened to be hanging around with nothing better to do.

The Head Librarian contributed with additional "Shhhhhhhhh"s.

Judge Bubblegum banged her gavel, ordering them to only speak when she pointed at one or the other, which reduced the competition between the co-joined twin brothers while sort of speeding things up.

Ummmm, with an emphasis on "sort of".

Exhibits D-L took three hours.

A large portion of the audience left when a happy snail race two blocks over was announced.

The rest took up knitting.

That Guy took a nap.

Exhibits M-N took up the rest of the day until sundown. Food Court was adjourned and the Head Librarian was left to sleep by the witness stand, with That Guy, still taking a nap.

He opened one eye, yelling after the departing crowd, "I have a name, it's Spike, just so you know!" He then looked at us, the readers and writers of this train-wreck of an epic and snarled, "Bloody Hell, haven't you people done enough to me already?"


	15. Chapter 15

Day 2 started with Exhibits O-S. The Head Librarian's testimony was thorough, but boring.

Wow, was it boring!

It was so boring, we won't go into detail and skip to the afternoon's testimony.

Exhibits T-V too, were boring, and I really mean booooor-ing-g-g-g.

We'll skip to the next chapter to spare you that torment.

P.S. Lumpy Space Princess started a protest outside the courthouse because her lumps had been excluded and that was discrimination against the lumpy.

Nobody cared to join her in her crusade except for Turtle Princess, who brought fruit pies.

Eventually LSP stopped screaming, "You bunch of lumpists!" and spent the rest of the day sulking at the nearby abandoned bus stop eating the rest of the Nutella we last saw her with. Turtle Princess decided that this was a good time to go read.

Booooored now.

Next chapter, please!


	16. Chapter 16

Day 3 was more of the same only LSP ate all the fruit pies left over from the previous day's sulk.

This gave her indigestion, which is another story entirely, and a messy one at that.

The authors of this epic have decided to spare you, our readers, from having to deal with this by simply moving on to the next chapter.


	17. Chapter 17

Day 4 was Exhibit Z, which took all day to read out loud. This too, we have decided to skim over in the name of mercy.


	18. Chapter 18

Day 5, both sides having run out of witnesses and exhibits, became a day of decisions by default.

Judge Princess Bubblegum shook herself awake, wiped the drool off of her chin, and banged her gavel.

The audience put away their picnic lunches, knitting, and Parcheesi boards.

Peppermint Butler, SORRY, _Bailiff_ , cleared his throat as he stood facing the courtroom audience from in front of the judge's stand, hands behind his back and called, "All rise. Day 5 of the trial of the Alameda County Public Library System, Sunnydale Branch vs. That Guy, aka Spike, aka William Summers, aka William the Bloody will now-"

That Guy, variously known as "Spike" and "William" interrupted, "Oi, you wankers have held me in this soddin' cage for over five days. When are you going to feed me?" followed by, "Did any of you geniuses ever stop to think that I just might, and I mean _just might_ , need a trip to the loo?" and then, "Anybody got a light? I could really use a smoke 'round about now!"

"Quiet, you!" PB banged her gavel. "Peppermint Bailiff, you may continue."

"-resume. Please be seated, everyone."

"Oi! And as usual, nobody's listening!" That Guy saluted everyone with two fingers of one of his disturbing hands before turning his back on everyone.

"The complainant has indicated that they are willing to settle out of court if the 12 little girls are returned unharmed within 3 hours of this court going into recess, dropping all charges and leaving the Candy Kingdom within 24 hours of said return." The audience murmured, at last, something interesting! "If the defendant is unable to return 12 little girls unharmed, the complainant is willing to settle for 36,000 Candy Kingdom Dollars in cash, which is the accumulated fine value of the 12 little girls dating two years prior the Mushroom Wars – dropping all charges and leaving the Candy Kingdom within 24 hours of receiving aforementioned payment."

That Guy turned around, howling, "$36,000? In CASH? Bloody hell, I don't even have $1 in change on me at the moment. How the sod all am I supposed to come up with that sorta scratch on such short notice?"

Bang! Went PB's gavel, "The Food Court of the Candy Kingdom's presiding Judge, Princess Bubblegum, will also drop all related charges, once the fine is paid or the 12 little girls returned. If settlement is not reached, the amount of $36,000 will be transferred from the Royal Treasury of the Candy Kingdom to that of the complainant. The defendant will then be chipped and incarcerated until the total of $36,000 is worked off by the defendant. Upon total repayment of the debt, he will only be released if deemed sufficiently rehabilitated to be released into the general population of the Candy Kingdom."

"An' anyway, I'M the CRIMINAL 'ere, and you NEVER ONCE asked me my side…"

Bang! went PB's gavel! "I SAID, that's enough."

That Guy, or whatever his name was, now stood head down in the cage of sunlight, shoulders slumped, fists jammed deep in the pockets of his ragged black coat, "Soooo, I have three soddin' hours to return the twelve little girls those wankers claim I stole a little over a thousand plus change years ago that I don't even remember stealing— ("12 lit'l girls, now _that_ , heh-heh-heh..." slowly he licked licked his lips, "I would 'ave _remembered!_ ") OR pay the Alameda County wankers $36,500 plus or minus their replacement PLUS interest with money I don't have, or I'll be chipped and locked up for another thou' IF I can't escape say, right… about… _NOW!"_

Holding his coat over his head, That Guy threw himself at the bars with a loud sizzle, and fell back swearing and clawing at the blackened, smoking bar of charred flesh now slashing down one cheek.

The prisoner closed his bizarre eyes and sighed, clutching his face while rocking back and forth on his worn boots, a tired, dusty sound, mumbling "'S been over a thousand years, nothing's changed… God, I'm hungry."

"Duuuuuuude!" Marceline reached carefully between the deadly bars from where she lounged upside down mid-air, giving him a punch on the arm, "Noooooo problem! Seein' I'm the one and only Vampire Queen and seein' as you're my one and only (UNWANTED) subject, it'll all be o.k… Hey! I'll even let Peebs have her Banana Guards chain you to me as my prisoner when we go look for those little girls! Once we find them, you can be on your way as soon as you pay Peebs back - promise!"

"Don't. Touch. Me."

"Aaaaaand as for chipping, dude- it's not so bad. Peebs did it to me once, didn't hurt a bit!"


	19. Chapter 19

"Bloody Hell, if that's all the time it takes to get back to my lair, then why didn't you do it this way the first time without draggin' me 'round like a flat tire for a soddin' day?"

"Dude, it's more fun that way!" Jake the dog finished inch-worming his way across the Candy Kingdom, pulling in on himself so that everyone who had been riding on his back across the Candy Kingdom had to get off in a hurry. "Anyway, we only got 2 hours and 45 to find this thing, or you're toast - not that I mind!"

"Go to Hell."

"Already been there. The nachos are faaaan-tastic!"

Jake, Finn, and Marceline, who was now chained to That Guy or whatever he called himself, (it didn't seem important, he was equally unpleasant to everyone regardless of what his name was) picked their way through the piles of old burnt paper tubes, empty bottles, nasty rats, and other trash.

Or rather, Jake, Finn, and Marceline did.

No, Jake and Finn did.

Marceline, parasol and all jerked to an abrupt halt because her prisoner had refused to budge, turning his back to the entrance of his lair, hands in pockets, rocking back and forth on his worn heels, while staring squinting out over the round brightly sunlit valley that was the Candy Kingdom.

"Over there, was once the town hall." He pointed down into the valley. "The mayor was a real snake of a guy… I think. It's been a while."

"What?"

"Over there, was the house of someone I once loved… or was it hated? I forget." He sat down in the shade of Marceline's parasol, legs straight out in front of him, running his fingers absently through the mixture of sand, sugar, and human bone meal that made up the soil at the outer edges of the Candy Kingdom. "I think we had a terrible fight… No, that was my first girlfriend. That's when it all started to go balls up." He paused, "Used to fight all the time with my new girlfriend, too. Kept things interesting."

"Really?" Marceline joined him, the parasol between them, while Finn and Jake stood nearby, staring.

"I used to come here once a year, to pay my respects, leave a bouquet and all that sentimental crap. Once there was a town here, worst town in the world – stripped everything I had away from me and tossed me out into the cold – the bitch." He paused, putting one of those odd little paper tubes in his mouth before mumbling around it. "So I died for it… for, her?"

"Whoah… dude!" Finn exclaimed, "And you, like came back?"

Their prisoner, ignoring Finn, took the tube out of his mouth, using it to point. "One night I was standing here, lookin' down where the town had been, at the big hole it left behind, which turned into a lake. Anyway, there was this flash in the night, all silent thundery like, felt it in my feet, in my head, in my bones, in the ground, and then a wind that blew everything flat with a noise that made my ears bleed. I was deaf for years – when I picked myself up off the ground, everything was… gone." He slumped down, looking at the ground between his legs in a rattle of chains. "Everything I ever fought for, sacrificed for… was gone, poof! Just like that."

"I remember it, too. I was playing in my mom's back yard. We call it the Mushroom War these days."

That Guy, William, Spike, whatever he called himself, looked over at Marceline with his odd eyes, "How old were you?" he asked quietly.

Marceline looked away, thinking. "Ummmm, I think I was six? Seven? Something knocked me down. When I got up, the world was gone. Simon found me, protected me, it was all gone, everything I knew…"

"A mere tiddler, then. Do you remember what started it?"

"Nah, not really." Marceline rummaged around in her backpack, pulling out a battered plush bear, or was it a monkey? Despite the stuffing oozing out of its joints and mismatched makeshift eyes Marceline hugged it to herself, knees almost to her chest. "Probably some stupid grown-up junk or… _whatever_."

"Come on, guys, time's running out!" Jake exclaimed heading into the gaping, square maw of the lair.


	20. Chapter 20

Upon entering the musty shadows, the prisoner bolted, just like he did when Marceline allowed herself to be shackled to him back in the courtroom and the Cage of Sunlight had been turned off – only this time he didn't immediately attack Finn, only to back off gagging, "You taste terrible, when's the last time you washed your neck, kid?" before crashing through a window and, with coat over his head and Marceline bouncing along behind backwards ducking into the first dark alley he came to.

It had taken sixteen explosive Banana Guards to drag him back out, but only after he zipped up his fly.

"Bloody Hell, it was almost a week and you never let me out for…"

"That's too much information." Said Princess Bubblegum, blushing as she looked the other way. Marceline just rolled her eyes.

"Happy to oblige, _pet_." He'd snarled back showing every last tooth, "Happy to oblige – I'm feelin' peckish, feed me! How about some pig's blood?"

" _We can't do that!_ What would Treetrunks say?"

Etc. Etc. Etc.

Instead, there was an asthmatic-sounding cough followed by the stink of ancient machines roaring to life as the entire cave blazed with life.

Stunned, Marceline, Finn, and Jake huddled together, staring at the mounds of abandoned junk that surrounded them: furniture, pictures, and other old time things, stacked according to what they were. Marceline shook her head and drifted along the length of chains that connected her to That Guy only to find him kneeling and carefully picking up the fragments of the blue lamp she'd bashed him over the head with a few days earlier with, each piece carefully laid out one by one.

"Be with you in a bit, got this to sort out first." He murmured sadly, "Pass me that tube of glue over there, will you? This will take a while."

"What the what?" yelled Finn. "But PB said we had only three hours to…"

"Ease off, Finn" interrupted Jake quietly, "Finn, I get it, now. He's like the Ice King."

"Oh." The last human sat down cross-legged, watching.

Marceline said nothing as she drifted to a quiet landing on the cracked concrete of what had once been the Sunnydale Municipal Parking Garage and helped her one and only (unwanted) subject.


	21. Chapter 21

"Tick tock, Marceline, we only got 15 minutes left!" Jake showed her his watch, "And you know what Princess Bubblegum said!"

"Yeah, yeah, gimme minute…" Marceline placed her hands over the hands of her chainmate as he more and more frantically tried piecing the broken glass together, "Shh, that's enough, we have 12 little girls to find." He pulled his hands away and went back to scrabbling among the fragments, "Whoah, Dude!" Marceline exclaimed, "Really! Don't worry about this! I know a guy who can..."

"Bloody Hell!" William screamed and hurled the tube of glue into the darkness among the piles of junk. Abruptly he stood up and began randomly striding through the floodlit mounds of the past lives of the long gone muttering, "I was bored that night! They didn't want me around! I was never welcome, things never change, things never change!"

"Who?" Finn, who was lounging on the tattered carcass of a paisley sofa picking his teeth with his grass sword out of boredom, looked up.

"Ice King stuff, Finn, not worth listening to!" Jake mumbled around the sandwich he'd pulled out of Finn's pack, "Mm-mm, pastrami and sardines on gingerbread with garlic mayo!"

"All the people ran away - they knew what was coming without us telling them. The only place still open was the library. I used her address and her last name to get a library card because I couldn't remember my own last name. All I did was check out one bloody book. One! Bloody! Book! And now I can't get away!" The rant trailed off into the echoing distance.

With only ten minutes left, Jake and Finn followed the trail of clattering rant through the mountains of leftovers from the time before it all went ka-blooey until they found Marceline and That Guy standing beside the rusted out remains of what they vaguely knew as a car, crumbling tires flat to the pavement, windshield cracked, and trunk popped open. Their prisoner was franticly digging through the contents and tossing whatever it was that he wasn't looking for to the pitted concrete underfoot.

"It's not here! I left it here! Why isn't it here?" a rusty electric iron flew past, landing with a clang, followed by an ax, a petrified rubber duckie and the frowsy remains of a pink stuffed piggy. "I just saw it here!" An empty box or two, some playing cards and empty bottles, which shattered on the concrete, with the remains of a doll with its eyes hidden by a black ribbon, "Where the Hell did it go?"

"Wow, he's totally bonker noodles – yeah, man, Marceline, those three hours are _up_."

"I know." Sighed Marceline, who was hugging Hambo to herself off on one side when she wasn't ducking flying detritus, "I know."

"Ahem." Peppermint Bailiff, I mean _Butler,_ cleared his throat pompously before ducking a large box of very stale Saltines, "Her Majesty, the Princess Bubblegum has sent me to inform you that your three hours is up and that it is time for you to be chipped and all debts are to be settled."

The prisoner whirled in a flare of black tatters and faced down PB's stuffy little servant, "Sod off you nasty little lozenge I haven't found so much as one of them yet!"

Peppermint Butler sniffed, "That's your problem, not mine. Your majesty, it appears that the prisoner has failed to retrieve the missing 12 little girls. Let justice be done."


	22. Chapter 22

For the third time, the prisoner bolted, deeper into the belly of the old parking garage, knocking over piles of a long gone civilization, clattering in the darkness as it fell, Marceline, on her steel umbilicus ricocheting off of hard objects in the dark with Finn and Jake and a messy trail of bursting Banana Guards not far behind.

They cornered him, entangling him in the clanking chains that tethered him to Marceline in a raging bundle, dragging him back ranting to the shadowed entrance where Princess Bubblegum and the Head Librarian and his entourage awaited, "No, no, don't want it, didn't like it the first time, why the Hell would I want it back?"

"So much for 12 little girls, or a book about 12 little girls. I'm done. Hold him still." The prisoner responded by screaming something really nasty at her, something about what people do with used gum and toilets. "While you're at it, gag him." PB nodded at Jake, who shoved the remains of his sandwich in William the Bloody's filth spewing mouth. In the abrupt silence she gestured to Peppermint Butler, "The chip, if you would."

A gingerbread muffled snarl from the prisoner accompanied His Haughty Mintiness as he stepped forward, a small silver tray in his hands. The round little creature bowed, holding it up to her with great ceremony.

"Thank you." PB took something small off of the tray and held it up, "With this chip, I… of for Glob's sake, kneel, you're _supposed_ to kneel for this part."

The prisoner was not about to kneel. "Bloody Hell," he spat out the wad of crusts, "Garlic, disgustin'! Anyway, I'm not about to submit without a fight!"

The struggle rapidly escalated into a writhing free-for-all in a tangle of chains, feet, knees, fists, and tattered leather, accompanied by still more obscenities.

PB sighed, rolled her eyes, folded her arms and started tapping her foot while studying her watch.

Finally the struggling mass came to a slow, cursing, Banana smeared halt, with Marceline perched on her (unwanted) subject's straining back, pinning him face down on the cracked, stained concrete, "Yo, Peebs!" she panted, "Let's just get this over with. Gimme that stupid chip."

With the look of an annoyed wife holding her tongue, Princess Bubblegum handed Marcline the chip.

"Jake, Finn, hold his head still!" Marceline grunted as her prisoner bucked under her, "Hold still, it won't hurt a bit!"

"Like you'd know!" The chip's target snarled beneath her.

"Chill out, it's almost over – aaaaaand, there, that's it!"

"What the…" the prisoner suddenly stopped struggling. "Huh?"

"Can you at least get this guy to kneel? I mean, there ARE rules, you know." Princess Bubblegum turned around, arms folded.

Marceline stood, and sort of reverse folded the creature back by the scruff of the neck. The chip wobbled on the top of his head - she steadied it, "All yours, PB!"

"Glob, let's get this over with – now break the chip in half." The prisoner stared limply up at her in Marceline's grip.

"Why the Hell should I? Anyway, YOUR Vampire Queen's standin' on my soddin' hands."

"Break the chip in half… Oh, forget I said anything! Marceline, he's your responsibility, do it for him." Marceline picked up the chip, broke it in half one-handed and held the two pieces out to Princess Bubblegum, who took one. Marceline then held the remainder to William's mouth, "Here, eat this."

"What?" He looked dazed. "No! Why should I?"

"Eat it, you big dope, I'll explain later!"

"Why?"

"Dude, later, now open wide!"

"Supposin' I don't want to?"

"Oh Glob, we so don't have time for this!"

"No! Bloody Hell …you just shoved a bloody CORN chip in my mouth?"

"Shut up and chew! Now swallow, it's almost over." Marceline released him as Princess Bubblegum put the other half in her mouth, chewing furiously before swallowing. The princess of the Candy Kingdom turned to the Head Librarian, holding out one bright pink hand. "And as for you guys," she stared down the immense egg-shaped being with his cojoined assistants, "You've got your money. Don't bother to count it, it's all there."

Peppermint Butler briskly slapped a sealed envelope across PB's palm. PB passed it to Dewey and Read Moore, who accepted it wordlessly before starting the long, difficult task of wheeling their boss back home over rough ground before she swept past them all to where Lady Rainicorn waited in a pool of late afternoon sunlight, "If anybody needs me, I'll be in my lab, doing science."

Marceline released Spike's neck. Rocking, he crouched on the Banana splattered floor, arms around himself, mumbling, "What the Hell just happened?"

"Dude, got things to do! We'll discuss it later." Marceline pulled out a bag of little pink erasers and drifting away into the sunlight under her usual parasol called around a mouthful, "No big deal!"

"Yo, Jake! BMO found a new video game the other day under the shed in the back yard, you ready to try it out?" Finn said as he and Jake walked past their former prisoner.

"Yeah, maybe make bacon pancakes or something like that to go with it." Jake turned around and tossed something small and metal at That Guy, or whatever it was he called himself, who caught it, "Yo, here's the key, keep the chains!"


	23. Chapter 23

One evening just after sundown, when the East wind blew up out of the caramel swamps and over the sugar sands, scenting the air with an unmatched perfume, Marceline, lugging a large cardboard box wafted her way towards That Guy's, (or whatever he called himself at the moment) lair.

Drifting closer, she noticed that the mounds of trash, dead rats, and worse, were gone, leaving the ground bare as if somebody had swept it with a broom.

The smell had also improved.

A lot.

Not as unkempt as Marceline remembered, he was out in the clearing in front of the half buried entrance of the vine covered Sunnydale Municipal Parking Garage, long coat set aside, sleeves rolled up, tinkering with the remains of what she dimly recalled as a motorcycle in the glare of hundreds of bare light bulbs, cords snaking back into the building toward the distant roar of an ancient generator.

Marceline eased to the ground, walking barefoot the rest of the way, long dark hair drifting in the burnt sugar wind as the stars came out one by one. "Hey."

"Hey." He didn't look up where he was crouching, "Hand me that, will you?"

"What?" Marceline looked around.

"By your foot." He glanced up at her, odd eyes calmly rational, before refocusing on his machine.

Marceline put down the heavy box, knelt, picked up a bolt and handed it to him as she hunkered down beside him to watch.

"Thank you." He said absently around one of those paper tubes that had once littered the ground; only this one was lit. "Tell your princess or whatever she is, she'll get her money. Eventually."

"Nah, no worries. Peebs told me to tell you that one of these days she'll have you do something for her and the debt'll be paid."

"That so?" He shrugged before groping around inside a battered toolbox "Damn, don't have that size spanner yet. Here, watch this." Marceline's only (and still unwanted) subject gave a low whistle.

A rat scurried out of the shadows, followed by five more. They stood up on their back legs, sniffing as That Guy scratched the outline of a tool in the worn concrete with a rusty nail and then held up his hands about so wide as he made squeaking sounds. When he finished, they dropped back to all fours and scurried back inside the ancient, age-yellowed structure.

He stood, wiping his five-fingered hands on a rag while grinding the smoke out under one heel, "That might take a while, there's still about a thousand year's worth of rubbish in there for them to go through." He held one unsettling hand out to Marceline. She took it, allowing him to pull her upright. "Rat language's easy, once I figured out they have about five hundred words for food and three times as many for, heh, _breeding_. Seems like just about everything since it all went wrong has a language – can't even sit down without asking the soddin' chair's permission or you'll cause a war – somethin' like that." He gave a laugh. "Anyway, seein' as I can't feed off of 'em any more, them bein' a sovereign nation an' all, I learned their language."

Marceline shrugged and picked something up out of her box, "Got something for you." She passed it to him, "Told you I knew a guy who could fix this."

"My lamp. When did you take it? I looked everywhere for what was left of it after 'er nibs departed, and couldn't find it – that's when I started tidyin' up, tryin to find the missing pieces.."

Marceline shrugged, "I scooped it up in one of your old boxes when you weren't looking."

"Ahh, back already. Let's see what they brought, shall we?" That Guy sat back down cross-legged, carefully placing the newly repaired blue lamp beside him as the rats scurried up to him. Fascinated, Marceline knelt beside him. "Let's see, a toothbrush what's seen better days, two small bones, a petrified pencil, and, yes! They found one!" Dismissing his "assistants" he showed Marceline a small wrench before back to what he'd been working on.

Bored, Marceline stood and wandered over to where his coat hung draped over the remains of what might have once been a street sign and started rummaging around in the pockets.

It didn't take long for her to find what she was looking for: the battered remains of a children's book, one she remembered as having been a favorite a long time ago and far away. The cover was half gone, there were burns, stains, and repairs all over it, but she recognized the line of little girls in yellow, and the tall slim woman in blue as they walked into infinity towards a tall steel tower.

Marceline sat down, reading.

"Busted." Smirking just a little, That Guy stood looking down at Marceline; she hadn't even heard his approach.

"Dude! I saw you slip this into your coat pocket when you were going through all that junk the other day. Was this really important enough to risk, you know…?"

"Yeah." Was all That Guy said as he sat down beside her, while gently lifting the tattered remains of the past out of her hands and opening it randomly. "Someone I once loved very much loved this book. Yeah, we had our fights, she was like a child – not that I was much better. I took her to meet the man who wrote it – had to convince her that if she sired him there'd be no more books – so she settled for him signing her copy, which got burned up by a very unpleasant little girl, once upon a time." He laughed, just a little, closing his eyes as he looked up at the emerging stars, "My dark poppy thought she belonged in the book so I," Looking back down with open eyes, he pointed, "Put her in the book – see? We broke up, anyway – by the way, it's not dude, it's not That Guy, or whatever, it's _William_ from now on."

"Cool." Marceline looked down at the stained page, the hair of the most mischievous girl had been red. William had inked over it so that it was black. "Du… I mean, _William_ , Mom used to read me this book when I got teased for being different – which was a lot."

"Later, I read it to the girl who burned it... no,that was her little sister. She was too old, but she let me, one night when things were bad. It was a different copy, one she had on her shelf. Later I found this at the library, when I wasn't wanted. I've had it ever since, just like the lamp, which I found sitting on the edge of this great big hole in the desert. Just sitting there."

Marceline reached over and plugged in the blue lamp before switching it on, "Read it to me... William." She pulled the other light plugs out, so that aside from the stars overhead, the soft blue of the lamp was their only light.

"If you insist." William sounded amused, "I see the guy what can fix anything couldn't match the glass. Still, it's blue, all sorts of blue – their mother had lamps like this all over her house – the blue one by the front window was her favorite. She once told me she liked to see it all lit up when she came up the sidewalk when she came home after work." His stomach growled, "Sorry, don't have much to eat these days now that rats are off the menu –the boy with the funny hat says he's human, but he's not – tastes horrible – like everything else after the bomb dropped."

"Here, have one." Marceline pulled an apple out of the box the lamp had come in, and handed it to him. "Red Topaz – stole it from from Treetrunk's orchard, it's da bomb!"

"Thanks, anyway, pet. It'll fill me, but it'll never be enough." William took the apple and bit into it.

"No, not the apple, dummy," Rolling her eyes, Marceline took it back. "The color, the color, _the red part_! Watch." She held the fruit up to her mouth, and the color faded, leaving her with a white apple. She handed him another one, "Now you try."

"God, this is demean… still, not bad, not bad. Not O+, but… what else you go in there?"

"You can have another one if you read to me."

"You drive a hard bargain." William opened the book, "In an old…"

"Anyway," Marceline interrupted, "When you finish putting that bike back together, can I ride it some time?" She pulled the ragged remains of Hambo out of the box in a tumble of apples and hugging him, leaned back looking at the stars, "Anyway, …house in…"

"Pet, I'm the one s'posed to be reading here…"

"Big dummy, I know it by heart!"

"Oh, right! As I was _sayin'_ , …twelve little girls in two straight lines…" The two of them read aloud together in front of a vine covered parking garage, the caramel and sugar scented wind gently wafting about them as they read, a crescent moon just over the horizon…

 _Watching the screen on her lab console Princess Bubblegum leaned back in her chair, popcorn bowl in her lap, thoughtfully slurping milkshake through a straw as she watched two of her more problematic subjects interact on the Candy Kingdom's Eastern frontier._

 _She'd been watching him for some time._

 _Almost as long as the Candy Kingdom had stood._

 _PB tossed a random handful of popcorn in her mouth, eyes intent as she chewed, mentally taking notes. She'd been intending to see how he'd interact with others. The library tribe and their demands had come along at just the right time._

 _William, as he called himself these days, compared to the records she had in the Kingdom archives, had obviously mellowed over the years, but his lack of regular social interaction had made him a tad… odd._

 _Which, considering this was after all, the Land of Ooo, was saying a lot._

 _William'd settled down since the trial, was almost rational, even - which was more than PB could say about the Ice King, who still had his uses on his better days. She had not wasted treasury funds in paying his debt._

 _Which would be called in, eventually._

 _PB rose, setting aside the empty popcorn bowl and the milkshake before turning off the monitor. She would deal with this tomorrow, if need be, even as she kept her options open._

 _Meanwhile she should send random people up there, just to keep William usefully sane._

 _While keeping a supply of red food handy._

 _Though slightly sticky, PB was no fool._


End file.
